"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
