so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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