Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
