I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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