I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
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