So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
