Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
