I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
