I intend to get homeless drunk
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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