guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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