I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
