I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
