Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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