hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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