did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
