It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
