So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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