So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
