my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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