I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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