My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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