You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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