I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
