I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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