i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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