guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
