Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
