Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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