Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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