They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
