Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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