Im at strip club and am horny
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
