Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
