Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
