Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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