somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
