You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
