Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
