Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize