So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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