I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
