Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
