Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
