I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
