Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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