apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
