oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
