I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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