My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
whose ass print is on the piano?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
