my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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