There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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