I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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