Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
