Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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