I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
