You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
