so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize