i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
